Half Marathon Recap

Well, it's official. I am a half marathoner! On Saturday October 10, 2015 I ran the half marathon option of the Layton Marathon. It was my first. But it won't be my last!

The Layton Marathon is relatively new in the world of marathons. It has only been going for 6 or 7 years. The reason for the hesitation… I was talking to a guy on the bus to the starting line who said he had run this 6 times, ever since it started. What I don't know is if that day would be number 6 or if that day would have been number 7. The Layton Marathon is unique among the Utah marathons. Utah is a mountainous state. Therefore, almost all of our marathons include quite a change in elevation over the course of the race. Layton is advertised as the "flattest course in Utah" with only a 200 foot elevation change over the course of 26.2 miles.  It is a Boston qualifier. I understand it is also an Olympic qualifier. I chose the Layton Marathon for my first half for three main reasons… 1) it was local. I live 15 minutes away from Layton. No traveling required. I would be training in basically identical conditions that I would be running in. And I would be able to sleep in my own bed in the nights prior to the race. No worrying about "the first night in a strange bed" syndrome. 2) It was flat! I'm pretty comfortable on downhills, but uphills still test me. And I figured a flat would be a good one for a first timer. 3) By the time I decided I wanted to be able to do a half this year… I needed to find a race that was far enough out that it gave me adequate time to train. This one fit.

Training went pretty good, until my "long runs" started hitting 8+ miles. Then finding time to get in the long runs became a real challenge. I could easily dedicate 2 hours in the evenings for running, but my speed is slow enough that 8-ish miles is about all I could get in during that time. If I wanted to be able get in longer runs, I would have to do them on Saturday mornings. But I work a graveyard shift and I worked Friday nights. I could do a speed work run or a mid length run on Saturdays, but I did not have the energy to do a long run at that time. I finally had to split up my runs, by doing 3 miles on the treadmill on my break at work, then doing 7 miles during my normal running time. I was able to get 10.5 miles in in a day, before it was time to taper. But 8.5 miles was the longest I was able to get in in one setting. So, I was a little nervous going into it. I had talked to an employee at a running store when I went with my niece to get her some new shoes. She said the important thing was to get in the miles. Doing it all in one setting was more about the mental advantage it gave you. So, I tried to psyche myself into it with positive self-talk and simply stating… without question or hesitation… that I would finish. That was not the question. The only question was "how bad will it hurt afterwards?"And I am not afraid of pain. I am not afraid to sweat. I am not afraid of "hard." I am only afraid of giving up.

So, the night before the race, my niece came up to my house. She would stay with me that night, so as to maximize the amount of sleep she could get. Once she got here, I went with her to the expo for packet pick up. Then we came home for a pasta dinner and an early night.

My bib for my first half marathon.

My sister (Sue) was going to take my phone the
next morning and get pictures of us on the
course and at the finish. So I gave her a last
minute crash course on how to use my iPhone.
She's technologically challenged and doesn't
own a smartphone of her own. And my phone
takes better quality pictures than even my
camera! Sue hams things up and Jen and I were
getting a bit punchy with nerves. So everything
was hilarious. 

One thing I have wanted to do for a couple
of months was to get a photo of Jen and I
wearing the shirt that I was wearing in my "before"
photo 18 months ago. Since, I had essentially
lost the same amount that she weighs. That was
an exercise getting our heads through the neck hole!

And finally… this was the result. Obviously
the shirt didn't fit quite like that… but you
 get the idea!

Jen and I woke up about 4:45-5:00 in the morning the day of the race. And Sue got up early as well to take my phone from me and see us off. And she decided she needed to get pictures of the "getting ready" process. There is a photo of me putting on sunscreen wearing nothing but capris and a sports bra. That one will not be included in this blog post! :-) 

Laying out my shirt so I could pin on the bib.

Jen putting on her shoes

Grabbing the last items. A sweatshirt for the
standing around time at the start line and of course,
can't forget my hat or my hydration belt. 

Jen had her phone and took this photo of our fellow
 runners hanging around at the start line as it started getting
light enough to see. I had to hi-jack it from her Instagram feed!

It was a frigid morning at the start line! Luckily Jen and I were smart enough to bring sweatshirts, but that was all. Live and learn for next time! Once the full marathon had started, then they transported all the equipment to our start line and they had a heater attached to a generator. But until that time… COLD! We had to remind ourselves that once we got started we would be loving the chilly temps. And we would be sweating profusely shortly thereafter! Jen and I both started out walking. For less than 5 minutes, but it gave us a chance to warm up and to let the crowd thin out a little so we weren't running in a bottleneck. Smart choice on our part, I think. My game plan was to go out easy for the first 8 miles. But I was passing people within the first mile. And I stayed ahead of them the whole way. And I'm not a fast runner! We hadn't been running for very long (in fact, Jen was still in my sight) when I saw Sue on the side of the road, phone in hand. I couldn't believe she was there that early. But I loved it. I loved knowing that I would periodically be seeing her along the course. Somebody to cheer me on specifically. Somebody who would care if I was struggling. Or if I was running strong for that matter. 

The race started on the Causeway going out to Antelope Island in the Great Salt Lake. The full marathon actually started on the island. But the half started on the causeway. It was beautiful watching the sun come up, but once we got started… I don't pay much attention to anything except running. So I was glad Sue got a nice shot of the scenery for me. These next photos are some of the earlier photos (taken within the first 5 miles).

Just before the 5 mile marker, I heard someone behind me say "I thought that was you." And I turned around to see my cousin! I was so thrilled to see him. It was such a surprise. I haven't seen him in so long and yet he's one of my favorite cousins. That little drop by made my day! Aside from the sheer fact of finishing, seeing him was the highlight of the whole experience. He jogged with me for a few minutes and we chatted. We took a running selfie together, then he ran up ahead so he could get some action shots of me. He then had to take off… but it was a wonderful experience for me to see him. 

Running selfie with my cousin! I LOVE HIM!

Approaching the 5 mile marker
(taken by my cousin)

She's still smiling, but you can tell Jen is
starting to hurt in this picture.

My plan was to run easy until mile 8, then start picking people off. But they were far enough ahead that I would have had to kill it in order to start passing them. And by 9 miles, I was starting to hurt. I was okay. I could keep going. But I was at the point where this was longer than I had ever run before and my body was feeling it. So, at this point… the goal became to just keep going, rather than to try to pick people off. Long around 11 miles, I could see Jen up ahead of me, walking. Jen is almost always out of my sight during a race… so I knew when I was able to see her, that she was in trouble. I caught up to her. Before I could say anything she said "Don't touch me!" She was hurting pretty bad by this point and could no longer run. But she was determined to at least finish. And she said she knew if she stopped for even a half a second, she'd never be able to finish. So, she told me to go on ahead. 

Rounding the bend, just before the finish line.
I didn't have quite enough "juice" to finish
with a full-on sprint, but I was able to pick up
my pace and finish strong.

I MADE IT! Time was 3:07:45

Jen coming around the final bend. A marathon
pacer had passed her earlier and noticed she was
struggling, so after she finished, she went back
out to find Jen and walk with her back in.
Jen managed to dig deep the last 10 feet and
cross the finish line at a jog. But it was painful
looking. Poor girl!

And she made it! I can't remember her exact time.
It was about 3:15. She proceeded to find the
nearest patch of grass and she collapsed and
started to cry. I was so proud of her for finishing
when she was hurting that badly. 

I was hurting too. And this last photo
is of the two of us hobbling off together
to find the massage tent!

So, my takeaway lesson from this experience was that training can beat genetics. And youth. Jen is younger than me. She has never been seriously overweight. She has an athletic background. And just general more natural ability. But I was able to dedicate more time to training for this race. When I started to hurt… I was able to keep going. I couldn't pick up my speed like I wanted to pick people off, but I could keep running. Jen crashed. She walked the last 2 miles. And then collapsed at the end. The ONLY reason I was able to finish ahead of her and finish stronger, is because of my training. Because youth, genetics, natural ability… was all on her side. I find it a valuable lesson. People often use age or genetics as reasons why they can't do something. But training (aka. hard work) trumps that. You absolutely can do it if you are willing to work for it. 

"It's going to hurt. Accept that. We don't train so it won't hurt. We train so that we can handle the pain."

I had three goals in mind for this half marathon. I accomplished all three of them. They were, in order of importance… 1) Survive! 2) Finish strong. This has nothing to do with my time or whether or not I could finish at a sprint. For me it meant to finish feeling good enough (both physically and about the experience) that I would do it again. 3) I was hoping for a time at 3:15 or better. I heard something that the best predictor of your half marathon time is 5x your 5k time. Well 5x my average 5k time would have been 3:20. 5x my best 5k time was 3:15. So, to come in ahead of that was a great victory for me.

Another Major Life Change

As most of you know (if you are my friends on MFP anyway), I have recently decided to make another major life change. 

My job has been driving me up the wall. Burning me out. Pissing me off. Constantly. Every night. I have always been able to find the good points about this facility even when they've been being stupid. But lately… I have nothing good to say about this place. And even less good to say about the upper management. I'm just done. I been contemplating making a major career change for awhile. And now with things going so bad here right now, it's really been on my mind. I will have to get some certification to be able to pursue employment in the area I'm thinking of. And being that it's a completely new direction for me… it's made me highly anxious. And I've had my doubts about whether or not it would even work out for me. Could I even do this job? And could I make a living at it? And if I do pursue it… do I just stick it out here until that time, or do I find another "in the meantime" job? I've considered just getting another job doing essentially the same thing I'm already doing. But since I've been here 8+ years, finding a job that will pay me at an equivalent level is a little tricky. 

I've talked to a few people about the new direction I was considering. Mostly my family. One very close friend. People I can trust to be honest with me. And to be honest… I expected them to laugh in my face. Even if they were trying to be supportive and kind… I expected a long silence followed by a skeptical "are you sure you've thought this through?" But in every case… they've been surprised, but immediately they've said something along the lines of "that's great! You would be awesome at that. That could be the very thing you've been looking for your entire life." Every time. 

As some of you may know… I'm highly religious. So in making a major decision like this, I had to involve God in the process. So, after talking to several people, after thinking about it A LOT, and even taking the matter up with God… I decided to go for it.

So, I have actually gotten online and made the purchases to pursue the education necessary for certification as a personal trainer. I just got an email yesterday confirming that my manuals have been shipped. It's still a little nerve wracking. But I've felt good since jumping in. None of those "oh, crap, what have I just done?" feelings. And it's really exciting too. I keep wondering what else I can do. And that's fun. To realize a world of possibilities and start getting excited to explore them.

Ramblings

This blog has gotten neglected the past couple of months. Partly because I spent most of June and July "off-track." And partly because there have been other projects that I've put a higher priority on than updating this blog.

But I feel like I'm finally back on track. I broke through my "plateau" that persisted all the way through July and the first couple of weeks of August. And I'm down to a new lowest weight of 202.8. Soo close to One-derland! My new "goal weight" since my body fat testing a few months ago is 195. So, I'm getting really close to where I want to be. And I'm really looking forward to maintenance and being able to focus on fitness related goals and less on the the scale. 

I'm still running. Half marathon coming up in October. I just did 2 back to back 5k's this past weekend. Well, kinda back to back. One on Friday night and one on Saturday morning. I was pleased with my time in both of them. The one on Friday night was the only one that was actually timed and according to the results they posted on their website, my time was 39:36. Which I thought I was about 40:some odd. But assuming 39:36 is accurate… That is a new PR for me. That was better than my time at the Liberty 5k on the 4th of July. And based on my nieces highly unofficial app… my time for Saturday morning was comparable. So I'm happy. And I have to say… having my niece there for these races have been enough to push me into finishing these races at a sprint. I started that on the 4th and I've done  it at my races ever since. But the one on Saturday… I had my eye on these 2 runners the whole time. And we were always passing each other periodically through the whole race. Well, on that home stretch going into the finish… they were just a head of me. I pushed into a sprint to finish… but they were doing the same thing, so I did an all-out, balls to the wall, "run like your child's life depends on it" effort and I passed the finish line ahead of them. It was an all-out effort. Obviously not something I could sustain for long… but their was an incredible post-run exhilaration afterwards. I wonder if that is what is referred to as the runners high? Because even though I had just gone all out… I was ready to go again.

I'm way done with my job lately. Getting so frustrated with all the crap that's going on. And seriously thinking about just getting a new one and moving on. But I'm thinking I want to go in a whole different direction. I'm thinking about going the personal trainer route. It appeals to me. And I've heard from a few people that they think that would be a great idea for me. But if I do that… I think I'm going to stick it out where I'm at while I get the certification I need for that. 

The idea appeals to me. I think it could possibly be something that I could be really good at. There is a part of me that hesitates because I see my own limitations. And I'm aware of how much I don't know. And I see the parts of my body that I'm not satisfied with and I wonder why anybody would ever hire a personal trainer that looks like I do. But then I also think about how far I've come. I think about those times that people at the gym have stopped me to tell me how wonderful I look and how inspiring I am. And I think about what I have to offer. And then I can't help but think that this is just another case of doubting myself. Its another case of finding excuses. I mean… what am I afraid of? I priced it out. I could get the certifications I want without having to go into debt. So, what's the worst that could happen? It takes awhile to get a job? Additional education will only be good for me in the long run. Even if I were to never use it… the education would be good for me. If nothing else, I could learn how to train myself.

And what if it worked? I daydream about what my ideal career would be in the fitness industry. What my life would look like. What if I could get everything I dream about? Is that not worth at least trying for? And besides… if I can lose 178 pounds (to date)… what couldn't I do if I simply decided to work for it?

Well, I feel like I've kinda rambled on this particular post. But oh well. At least you now have an update as to where I am. Things are pretty good right now. I'm happy. 

FroYo 10k Recapped and Getting My Head Back in the Game (and My Butt in Gear!)

I have not been on my game lately. Obviously... since it's been so long since I've posted on here. There have been other things that have seemed like a greater priority than keeping this updated. But unfortunately this blog isn't the only thing that's gotten put on back burner.

But first things first…

I told you about the Liberty 5k in my hometown on the 4th of July. Well, the very next Saturday, my niece (Jennifer… the same that ran the 5k with me) and I ran a 10k. It was a first for both of us. I've been doing more dedicated running than Jen has. But she was an athlete in high school, and running was one of her sports (cross-country). So, even though motherhood (and adulthood in general) has taken it's toll on how much time she is able to devote to running these days… she's still a step ahead of me in her running abilities.

Hanging out and getting warmed up and
pumped up beforehand.
And just an interesting side note…
The amount of weight I've lost is the
same amount that Jen weighs.
Someday I'll actually remember to bring
my "before" shirt and see if both of us
can fit into it!

Anyway. Jennifer lives about an hour away from me in a suburb of our state's capitol. The 10k was in her neck of the woods… actually in the capitol city. I picked up Jen at about 7:15 a.m so we could make it to venue in plenty of time. It was a fairly big event. Definitely the biggest that I've been a part of. It offered both a 5k and 10k distance. And it was extremely organized and "official." Lines of porta-potties, complete with hand washing stations. Music, contests, Zumba warm-ups every half hour. You get the picture. They offered water stations every mile… which seemed overkill for a 5k, but it was certainly nice for those of us doing the 10k. Anyway… There were enough people running that they had to start us in 3 separate waves. Jen and I lined up with the run/walk crowd and we were still in the last wave. We decided that we are lining up with the runners at the front next time. See if we can start out ahead of the crowd. It was a little crazy for the first little bit running with so many people… or rather trying to run with so many people. Jen started out walking for the first 5 minutes and I moved up ahead of her. But once she started running, she caught up with me and then was actually ahead of me for the rest of the time.

Swag bag. It included a free frozen yogurt
at the end. It didn't last long enough to
get a picture of it! :-)

The best I can say is that it was a valuable learning experience. Long around mile 4 (leaving behind all the 5k runners)… I was dead last. And I was dying! I knew I could keep going. That wasn't the question. But the idea of putting on some speed so I could catch up with even the people closest to me seemed impossible. But I started getting smart. I was watching these two girls that were the closest ahead of me. They weren't terribly fast. And they were taking walking breaks. Up to this point… I hadn't taken any walk breaks. I'm a slow runner, but I'm a fast walker. I can pretty much out-walk anybody. So, I started taking walk breaks myself. But timing them according to the people ahead of me. Doing that, I was able to catch up to them… even pass them when they were on their walk breaks. There was another girl close by too that I was able to pass when she was walking. There was a girl just a few paces ahead of me as I neared the finish line. Jen was waiting at the finish line for me and having her there pushed me in to a sprint so that I crossed the finish line about two steps ahead of that girl. When the official results were posted online… I found out that I was actually 4 from the last. My time was 1:24:54. Jen finished at 1:19:14. So we weren't that far apart from each other.

A screen shot of my official results.
You had to register online to get
your time posted by name.
Otherwise, it would be by
your bib number. 

Anyway… Like I said… valuable learning experience. Apparently I do better when I take walking breaks. So, I have started to incorporate that into my half marathon training. I have a cousin who's a pretty hard-core runner. Well, she's hard-core in my book. She's qualified for and ran Boston. That's hard-core to me. But when I told her I was training for a half marathon, she mentioned that she is a big advocate of the run/walk method. She's done all her marathons using that method… and that was how she qualified for Boston. That was enough to convince me that run/walk methods are not a cop-out. They are actually a very smart method of running. And then my experience at the 10k proved to me that it would be a good method for me to employ.

But like I said, I haven't been on my game lately. I did okay the week after the 10k, but then things started falling apart at that point. I have not been eating the way I should. And it seems like even on my runs… my head just hasn't been in the game. I got in an 8 mile long run the week following the 10k… but then… nada. Okay. Not exactly nada. I've still been out there. But I haven't been able to match my 8 mile distance.

I'm still debating about how to preserve
and display my bibs and medals from
my various races. 

The weekend of August 1st and 2nd were A JOKE as far as my eating goes. I mean ridiculous. The worst I've had in a very long time. But maybe it was a good thing, because it opened my eyes and made me realize that I had seriously slacked. On Monday (the 3rd), I woke up way late and didn't go work out. But I cleaned up my act as far as my eating goes and managed to stay under my calorie goal even without a workout. The rest of week was on point as well. I realized that I had actually registered for this half marathon. I had paid money for it. My niece was counting on me. This was happening. And if I had any hope of being ready for it… I better get my butt in gear. Not just with my workouts… but that every pound I piled on (even if it's just water weight) would only slow me down. I needed to be in the best shape of my life when October 11th rolled around. I needed to slap myself around a little bit and get back in gear. I could do this. I just needed to DO it. So, the last week has been better. Good workouts the rest of the week. On track with my eating.

In interest of trying to figure out why I allowed myself to get so far off track… I've been doing some thinking about what my problem was and what I could do to get back on track and stay there. I've decided to revisit the "cheat day." I've decided that one day a week… Saturdays… I would allow myself to eat what I wanted to eat, when I wanted to it and not log it. I would try to moderate of course. I wasn't going to use it as an excuse to go hog wild. But I am hoping that by giving myself a day "off" that staying on track won't feel like quite such a chore.

Remember my little "celebrity crush" on Jackson Carter? I follow him on Facebook. And I remember reading his blog once where he stated that eating clean throughout the week and having his weekends "off" is what made it sustainable for him to be able to keep his weight off. So, to be honest, that is one of the main reasons I have decided to revisit the "cheat day."

This past Saturday was my first revisited designated "cheat day." And you know… I feel pretty good about it. I moderated fairly well. And knowing that I didn't have to log it… was a nice mental break for me. I also think it gave me back a sense of personal control. Rather than feeling like I had to answer to MFP. Which I know is ridiculous… but that's kinda the way it felt. Knowing that I didn't have to log. Didn't have to answer to anybody else for that day… gave me back that feeling of control. And when I was in control… It was actually easier for me to moderate than it would have been if I would have been tracking everything religiously. We'll see how this goes as time goes on… but based solely on how it felt to me… I'm going to call it a very wise decision on my part.

Liberty 5k… A Personal Best

Last July 4th (2014), my niece (her name is Jennifer) posted a status update on Facebook about how she had just run a 5k with her dad for the holiday. I was 30 pounds into my weight loss at that time. And I was just barely getting to a point where I could walk at the moderate pace of 3 mph and still breathe (and by the way… I was pretty proud of that at the time!). The idea of being a runner was nowhere near being on my radar. At best, I was counting on that eventually I could up my speed to the point that I would be able to jog and still breathe. I had no idea that my brother and niece had kinda made that a thing (doing a 5k together on the 4th), but I fell in the love with the idea that someday I might be in a position where I could do that with them. And I mentioned to my niece then that by the time July 4th, 2015 rolled around, I would be able to do it with them. And so, that has been in the back of my mind for quite sometime. That become one of my "weight loss bucket list" items. Not just to do a 5k… but to do the one on the 4th with my brother and my niece (and any other member of my family that I could convince to join in!). For months now (at least since Thanksgiving), my brother has been asking me how my training was going. If I would be ready to do the 5k on the 4th of July. So, even though I've been able to do the 3.1 mile distance for some time now… I have been looking forward to that day for a LONG time. A couple of weeks before the race, Jennifer took it upon herself to get us all registered and by that time, another one of my nieces (Micah) had said she would do it with us too. So, our group of three was now a group of four.

Fast forward to the 3rd of July. The race is the next morning and three more of my nieces all said they wanted to do it as well. They are all younger (14, 9, and 8). The 14 year old is training to be part of the cross country team when she starts high school in the fall and she had some of her own money that she was willing to spend. So that was not a huge stretch for her mother to agree to it nor did it concern the rest of us. The younger two are in fairly good physical shape. But it is 3 miles. And they are young. And there was no question that the whole reason they wanted to do it is because we were. They just wanted to be involved. My sister felt like they were in good enough physical condition to be able to do it… but she was not willing to shell out an additional 40 bucks in registration fees just "for fun." However, the race did allow "ghost runners." So my sister gave her permission and even found a couple of $5.00 patriotic tech shirts at Walmart so that the two younger girls would feel apart of it. So, our original group of 3 had now grown to include 7 of us what were going to be running this 5k. Which thrilled me. I had wanted to be able to do this with my family. And now my family was wanting to do this with me!

The family that runs together stays together!

     My best time for a 5k was 43 minutes so far… and that's about where I expected to be. I expected both Jennifer and my brother to be slightly faster than me… but fairly close by. And I had no doubt that the 14 year old would leave us all in the dust. This would be Micah's first 5k and she really hadn't been doing any training for it… so I wasn't sure where she would fall in. I suspected that she would be fine keeping up with me as long as she could run… but that my endurance might be better than hers. As for the younger two… they could probably do some killer short sprints… but I was doubtful of their endurance. Three miles is kinda a long ways when you're that young!

Well, race morning comes. And it turns out my brother was on a time crunch. He is a member of the local search and rescue team and he had responsibilities to help direct traffic and shut down a particular intersection in preparation for the parade that morning. Basically, he had one hour to finish the race, get home, get showered and get to where he was supposed to be to fulfill his responsibilities. So, he takes off. The fact that he's tall and that one of his normal walking strides are equivalent to about three of mine (and I'm tall too!)… means that I had lost sight of him in the crowd early on. And of course I never even saw the 14 year old. She disappeared within about 30 seconds or so of the starting gun. I was doing okay with Jennifer… but as her dad was her ride home and she was aware of his time constraints… she started picking up speed too in hopes that she could catch up to him. So, I was back with the other 3. And soon, I started pulling ahead. Micah just said "Go for it, Shan! You're awesome!" And she and the two younger girls all hung back together.

Official results of the 5k

As I neared the finish line, I spotted the 14 year old waiting there to cheer us all on. Seeing her there and having her cheer me on gave me the strength to cross the finish line at a sprint. When I went looking for my results, I was amazed to see that my time was 39:57. I had said to my brother the night before that I would kill just to get into the 30's. I also saw my brothers time… 29 minutes and some odd seconds. I knew that was a personal best for him too as he had told me the night before that his best had been 33 minutes. It also placed him in 6th place for his age group. Jennifer was not able to catch up to her dad no matter how hard she ran… but she got a personal best too. She was only a few minutes ahead of me. The other three came in a few minutes behind me. Apparently the 8 year old had given up long around mile 2. And Micah had to keep prodding her along just to get her to keep on walking to the finish.


One another topic: While I was back in my hometown for the 4th, I contacted my favorite teacher from high school, Mrs. Street. She had undergone gastric bypass several years ago and had kept the weight off for the past 10 years. She also had skin removal surgery along the way. She looks amazing. But very different than I remember her from high school! I've been wanting a chance to talk to her about her experience. I wanted to know how she determined a good weight for herself. I wanted to know about her experience with skin removal. How much of her weight did she lose before having surgery, etc. So, we got together one afternoon for lunch. She was amazed when she learned that I had lost the weight through just diet and exercise. She had just always assumed that I had undergone some sort of bariatric surgery as well. And I'll tell you… after listening to her experience… I'm sooo thankful that I was able to do this without surgery. She had some truly terrifying complications afterwards. Honestly, she's lucky to still be alive. I love Mrs. Street. And I'm so glad to have had the time to visit with her. But honestly… it wasn't very helpful to me in getting any kind of answers. I asked her how she decided on her goal weight. She said she actually wanted to (and did) get down to anorexic level weight and then go from there to determine where she felt the best. Uh… no! I'm not willing to do that. I asked her when she had her skin removal surgery. She said that she waited for 18 months after her bypass surgery but she couldn't wait any longer than that. But that she continued to lose weight afterwards to the point that she ended up having to have additional skin removed. Yeah… not willing to do that either! However, she was adamant in her belief that having the skin removed was key for being able to keep it off. And I was encouraged to hear that surgery helped her get rid of the dreaded "apron." I HATE that part! That and my arms are what bothers me the most. I knew that surgery could help with the arms… but I wasn't sure how much they'd be able to do about the apron. After 175 pounds, it still just feels like fat to me. And I hate it. And I always wonder if there is anything that can really be done. But she said it took care of that. And to be honest… it does look like it did! There is no indication of an apron on her body. So, while it was good to see her and encouraging to see how good she looked… it wasn't terribly helpful.

But she did tell me a story that gave me an idea… So the day of the 4th I put it into action. My family got the biggest kick out of it. (See the picture below)

I got a temporary tattoo of the American flag
right there on the "flab
(aka: lots of loose skin!)" on my arm.
I posted this pic on FB with the caption
"Proudly may it wave!"

Struggles. Trying to Get My Head Back In the Game.

I have been struggling with slipping back into some old eating habits lately. I've still been working out. But the eating has been kind of a nightmare. Honestly… it's still better than it was 14 months ago… but I was definitely slipping backwards. And the scale was showing it.

I don't exactly know what my problem is. Why I am struggling so much. 

Part of it is being out of routine. It's been an insanely busy summer so far. And it's not over! 

Another part of it, I think is the stuff that's been sitting around. When all I have is healthy options, that's what I eat. But there has been so much unhealthy stuff sitting around. Due in part, I think to all that's been going on. 

But that doesn't answer the question as to why I've had such a hard time moderating. Or why I haven't been honest in my logging.

Honestly… it's hard for me to be held up as an example. As an inspiration. I've got friends on MFP that somehow think of me as their mentor. Every time I turn around, they are messaging me with more questions. And I want to help. Because I do get it. I understand the tendency and the desire to turn to someone who has been there. Of all the friends I have on MFP, only three of them are ones I have requested myself. But in every case, I requested them because I felt like they might be able to help, because they have "been there." They had lost the weight. They ARE in places I still dream of being! So, when one of my friends turns to me for help… I want to help! Part of the reason I first started losing weight in the first place is to prove that it can be done "my way." So, if someone is interested … I want to be able to share what I've done and what I believe. But I'm finding myself up on some sort of pedestal. And I never expected that. And it's hard for me. I'm supposed to be this example. Yet… what kind of example am I when I am eating so much crap? I think that has been a part of my not logging honestly. I don't want them to know that I'm basically eating everything in sight. No matter what it is!

But whether I log it or not… the scale doesn't lie. And it's not pretty. And I don't want to be another statistic of people who lose the weight only to gain it all back. I'm up 12 pounds from my lowest. That's hardly "gaining it all back," but it's a trend that needs to stop! It'll be easier to stop it now and lose those 12 pounds, than it will to ignore the problem and let those 12 pounds turn into 30. Or 50. Or more. So, I decided it was time to kick myself in the butt and get myself back on track. And part of the process of that… is taking a step back from the community aspect of MFP. I can't be everybody's mentor. Everybody's "go-to" person. I need to just be able to use MFP for me right now. For logging the calories. Logging the exercise. And drawing inspiration from others. So, I made my diary private. And I told my friends that I was taking a step back and why.

And within seconds (no joke), someone was messaging me with more questions. And in addition, she wanted details about how much weight I'd gained and what I was eating to do it. I cannot begin to voice my frustration. I quickly replied with bare minimum information. Hoping that would take care of it and she would leave me alone. Of course, she messages me back with even more questions. I didn't reply. At least not immediately. I think I had it in mind that eventually I would answer back. But I wasn't going to do it immediately.

Later on that night, she posts a rant on her news feed basically saying that I was full of sh*t (her words). She didn't use my name… but she very specifically spoke of something she had recently asked me about and I had answered. And she basically said that I was a liar and full of sh*t. She then proceeded to say that "all those who say that" need to learn how to eat properly and then maybe we (I) wouldn't be so f***ing fat (again… her words). (We'll ignore the fact that even with my 12 pound gain, she still weighed more than 100 pounds more than I do… and she's like 8 inches shorter than me!) She goes on to say that while she appreciated those people who had helped her… she did NOT appreciate those people who told her what I had told her. Because I had either apparently outright lied to her and/or I was full of sh*t. There was a part of me that really wanted to rip into her on the comments. There was a part of me that wanted to message her and rip into her even more in private. I was infuriated. I was hurt. But, I swallowed my rage and I simply deleted her as a friend immediately.

But it solidified in my mind that I was doing the right thing by stepping back. And by making my diary private. That is what I get for trying to help and for being honest about my struggles. NOPE! I didn't sign up for that. Don't get me wrong… that was an isolated incident. Most of my friends have been very understanding and supportive about my choice to step back. And it was a choice I made before she posted her rant. So, I do still intend on coming back later on (hopefully within a couple of weeks) and being an active participant again… once I get my head back in the game and feel like I am on solid ground myself again.

I've been doing better eating-wise the last couple of days. Honestly… I think part of that is that I ate all the crap that has been sitting out! The only thing I have left is healthy options! But the last few days, my workouts have not been brilliant. I've been doing them. And I'm logging the calorie burn that is on my HRM. But the effort hasn't been the same. I really think it's a mental game in this case. Physically, I am fine (really… I am). But I am falling for the idea that my legs are giving out on me. But in reality, it's my mind has been giving up. So, tonight at the gym… I really tried to push myself to keep going even though my mind was screaming at me to slow down. Tomorrow will be yet another test of my will as it's a speed work run!

I will not quit. I will keep going. No matter what the scale says. No matter how lousy my last two runs. I will keep going. Running is more than a workout for me. More than something I've picked up in an attempt to lose weight. It's something I actually want to do… it's something I want to be. I took my Runners World magazine to work with me the other night as I knew I'd be sitting one on one with a resident all night. One of the swing shift staff saw it and asked me if I was going to start running. I told her I already was. That I was just beginning training for a half marathon. She was astounded. She said that all she could do was a 5k. Now… she also does triathlons… but she didn't feel like she had it in her to run continuously for that long. I told her I was slower than cold tar. But she immediately cut me off and said "but you're doing it." Which I appreciated.

My neighbor has watched me go past his house often on my runs and he referred to me as the Energizer Bunny… because I just keep going. I find it an apt description. I am slow. But I keep going. And that is what I'm most proud of. And I will keep on going. Not just with running… but with this weight loss thing. So, I've had a flat tire. Fix it and move on. I have three choices… give up, give in, or give it all I've got. I chose to give it all I've got.

Body Composition Testing and Rethinking My… Well, EVERYTHING!

So, tonight my gym was offering free body composition testing. In addition to other things, it measures body fat percentage and gives you your lean body mass. Which is what I was interested in more than anything.

Since I have no frame of reference to go by in deciding what a good goal weight would be for me, I have been kinda going by the BMI scale… although I am aware of it's limitations. I knew body fat percentage offers a much better standard, but finding an accurate way to measure it is difficult.  I was particularly interested in was finding out my lean body mass. I had 180 set as my goal… but one of my friends raised concerns that if I lost that much, I might be losing muscle. I wasn't really concerned that I would lose muscle to get to that point… but I did want to know if it would put me at too low a body fat percentage if I got to that point. So, the opportunity comes for free professional body composition testing… yeah, you better believe I'm taking advantage of that one.

I was a little nervous going into it. I had no idea what my numbers were like 175 pounds ago. I know how far I've come and I really was hoping for a positive result. But my fear was that it would still show how far I have to go and without having any previous numbers to compare it to… it would be hard to take. If I would have had previous tests to compare it to… then even if my numbers were disappointing, I would have had the comparison to show how far I've come. But without that, I was nervous.

So, I measured at 28.5% body fat. And based off of all the charts I could find online… that puts me in the "average" or "acceptable" category. Which I am so very much okay with at this point. I've never been average or acceptable on any measure relating to weight my entire life!

My lean body mass was measured at 154.4 pounds. So, again, I go back to my charts online. Ideally, I would like to be somewhere between 19-22% body fat. At 19% that puts me in the "athletic" category. At 22%, that puts me in the "fitness" category. Which based on my calculations, that would put my ideal weight somewhere between 190-197. So, with that information… I have changed my "goal weight" to 195. As I have mentioned… my goal weight is in actuality more my "maintenance weight." The weight at which I will switch my goal to maintaining weight, instead of losing it. I expect that I might lose a couple of more pounds while I adjust to figuring out my true maintenance calories. Also, as I've mentioned, I don't like the word "goal." So, that's another reason I prefer the term "maintenance weight."

That puts me really, really close to my "goal." Which is exciting and scary at the same time! It's a little unreal to me. Already at this weight… I am considered average or acceptable. Not obese. Not unhealthy. Not even above average. How did that happen? I mean… that's been the entire point for the last 13 months… but now that it's here… it's kinda mind boggling. How did that happen? I never really doubted the process. Calorie deficit leads to weight loss… ALWAYS. It's been proven time and time again. I would literally have to defy the laws of physics for it to not work. So, I always believed it would work for me. I am not that unique! But now that I'm finding myself basically "normal"… I can't hardly believe it. I mean, who woulda guessed that I could be a normal weight, normal size person? I've been big my entire life. If I'm "acceptable" or "average" now based on my age and my height…. I am actually smaller than I have been (relatively speaking) since I was 4 years old! My whole family is big. And whatever happened to losing weight being such a hard thing to do?

And whatever happened to me having no motivation or ambition? In a way, I'm having to redefine myself! Everything I've ever believed about myself… I'm finding that I've just proved myself wrong. Which is stinkin' cool! But weird! And a little scary. Who am I? Last weekend I went shopping with my niece and she kinda chuckled watching me pick out medium sized shirts to take to the dressing room (they fit! A MEDIUM!). And she asked me "who are you and what did you do with Shanon?" I responded with "This is me. It's just that that other girl ate her. And I finally just escaped."

But is that true? Do I really believe it? And I don't know! I kinda do. Some of my family members have told me how I've changed (beyond just the weight), but I don't see it. I feel like I'm just me… the same person I've always been. So, in a way… yes, I do believe it. This is me! Finally able to be who I truly am. But then again… like I said, I'm finding that everything I've believed about myself I'm proving wrong.

Anyway. It's just interesting. Another way in which I'm having to get used to a life I never expected. Don't get me wrong… It's not bad. In fact, it's downright awesome! But it is a life I never expected.