"So, do you feel like you have been a skinny person living in a fat persons body…
or are you now a fat person in a skinny persons body?"
Well, first of all… I don't consider my body skinny. At 215 pounds, I'm still considered obese and believe you me, I can point out more than one place my remaining 35 pounds can come off of!
But that was not the point of her question. Nor the point of this post. And I got what she was asking. The truth is… I'm not sure how to answer that question. The psych major in me resists answering such a question… because who's to say what the difference is between a skinny person and a fat person other than sheer physical weight?
But after spending reading a lot of the updates from my MFP friends and being fairly active in the community aspect of MFP… I am realizing that I just don't think the way other overweight people do. I never have. It is due to that reason alone that I answered her with "Well, I'm not sure, since I've never been a skinny person… but I would say I've been a skinny person living in a fat person's body."She, of course, asked me why. And I said it was because there is so much I don't relate to with others who are overweight.
The concept of feeling worthless or that I'm not good enough or hating myself because I'm overweight?
No. Never felt that way. Oh, I've felt worthless. And I've felt like I'm not good enough. And I've hated myself. But it never had to do with my weight. My weight was just another aspect of my physical appearance… like the fact that I am tall or that I have blue eyes. Nobody hates themselves because of the color of their eyes. They may or may not like that aspect of their appearance… but it's not a cause for self-hatred or feelings of worthlessness.
The idea that people treated me differently because I was fat?
No. If people treated me differently it was all on them. Or it was because I was different that this other person (after all… everybody is).
Being self-conscious at the gym because I was the fat girl?
No. The gym was the one place I never felt self-conscious, because at the gym everybody is doing the same thing. Yeah, I may have been bigger than everyone there… but it was the one place I fit in. Because I was doing the same thing as everyone else.
Food is my friend… Food is comfort?
No. Food is food. Some of it tastes good. Some of it tastes bad. Some of it is healthy. Some of it is not. I overate. Big time. I know that. But it was never an emotional thing for me. I would eat when I was happy. I would eat when I was depressed. I would eat when I was lonely. I would eat when I was in large groups. I would eat when I was bored. I would eat when I had plenty to do to occupy myself and my mind. I would eat when I was hungry. I would eat when I was full. I ate because I liked food. Yes, I had my own preferences as to which food I liked (and as you can probably guess, the foods I liked were always the highly caloric ones with little nutritional value. But it was still just food. I was not someone who "ate my feelings." Or who dealt with pain or other unpleasant emotions by eating. Neither was I binge-er. Oh, I could put plenty of calories away just the same as any binger could. But it was not mindless. It was a choice. And it was a choice I made because there was food there that I liked. I never associated emotions to food.
My weight holds me back?
No. I knew I was fat and out of shape. And with obvious exceptions like being limited where I could shop or feeling squished in certain places… I've felt like I could do anything a skinny person could. I mean… I couldn't run. But I never wanted to. It wasn't my weight holding me back…. it was simply that I didn't want to. Yes, I had to get seatbelt extenders on an airplane. But I could still fly. And I did. I didn't let that stop me. I have insecurities and doubts about myself that hold me back. That is true. But my weight was never one of them. If guys didn't find my attractive because I was fat… that was on them. That was them being shallow. That wasn't my weight holding me back. And even now… I'm not convinced that was even the issue. Because it's not like guys are beating down my door now, either!
I've always felt like these were misconceptions that skinny people had about fat people. Assuming that because we were fat we felt that way. And it was misconceptions like this that bothered me SOO dang much! When I decided to lose weight… the major reason was because I encountered so many dumb@ss ideas about fat people and losing weight that I decided it was time to prove people wrong. People usually assume I'm talking about ideas surrounding diet. Well, yes, that is one of them. But it was these things that I saw as misconceptions that bothered me the most.
But apparently, I'm the one with the misconceptions? Because MFP forums are filled with overweight people all saying that they feel this way!
So, maybe I'm the different one?
Maybe I've always been a skinny person trapped inside the wrong body.
And maybe now… I'm finally just setting her free?