Things I Just Don't Understand

What is it like to have been thin (or you know… normal weight), then gain weight?
What is it like to have a closet full of clothes that are too tight?
What is it like to feel somehow "unworthy" because of your weight?
What is it like to know what weight you want to be at because that is when you looked and felt your best?
What is it like to hate yourself because of your weight?
What is it like to be able to whip out a list of 10 things right off the top of your head that you hate about being overweight?
What is it like to be able to pinpoint an event/time in your life when you started gaining weight?
What is it like to have to deal with some emotional baggage in order for you to keep losing weight and/or keep it off?

These are questions that I can't answer. Because they are things I have never had to deal with. I spend a fair bit of time at night perusing the forums on My Fitness Pal. So many topics are discussed and so many things come up. And there are so many that I can't relate to. And it kinda surprises me. I'm overweight. I have been my entire life. You would think I would know that place. And I'm losing weight. I've lost 85 pounds. That's not a small amount. So you would think I have a pretty good idea of that place too. The only thing I don't understand… and I know that I don't understand this… is what it's like to try to maintain your weight. Because that's a place I've never been. But I am realizing how much of a world is out there that I don't understand… even in the overweight world.

How is it that there is so much about being overweight that I have no clue about? My best guess is because it's the place I have spent my whole life. It's a place my entire family has spent most of my life as well. The only time in my life that I know I wasn't overweight… was the day I was born. I was a healthy sized baby... 7 pounds, 14 ounces. But I wasn't a fat baby. I've seen pictures of 2 year old me. I was stinkin' cute little toddler. Complete with fat little cheeks. I see those fat cheeks and I don't know if that was normal baby fat or if I was a fat toddler. I just don't know. I know I was the "fat kid" as early as kindergarten though. I know what it's like to be teased or called names because of your weight. But I had been overweight my entire life. As a kid when I had to endure the worst of the teasing… I wasn't aware that my weight was something I could control. It was just who I was. And my whole family was overweight. Calling me names for being overweight was like teasing someone for having a particular color of eyes or hair. Yeah, I endured the teasing… and yeah, it sucked. And it hurt. But it was always chalked up to "kids are cruel." I never knew it was something that I could change about myself. Fortunately kids grow up… and while there will always be the jerks… the teasing kinda died off by middle school. I don't know at what point that I became aware that weight was something that was within my control. In high school, I had some really, really wonderful friends. And I had gotten involved in extra-curricular activities that allowed me to make even more friends. I had discovered talents that I had. I never felt held back because of my weight. I was in the drama club, I was on the newspaper staff, I was the manager for the volleyball team. My senior year, I got involved with the spirit club. And the summer before my senior year, I started a part time job. I kept busy. I didn't date a great deal… but I got to go to two proms and one girls choice dance. And I had friends… including male friends. I didn't lack for things to do on Friday nights.

Obviously by high school, I was aware that weight was something I could change. But I never felt the need to. I never had health problems because of it. And like I said, I had found many activities that I could be involved in. I could even be part of a sports team. I wasn't "popular," but I didn't need to be. I had friends and I had things that I could do and that I enjoyed and that I was good at.

As I got into college, I became more aware that my weight was probably hindering some dating opportunities. But it was something I never understood and I still don't. In my mind, you get to know someone and become attracted to them and then decide to start dating. I've never understood the need to be attracted to someone first. I get that you need to be attracted to your spouse. I really do get that. But I also believe that if you love someone, they will be attractive to you… no matter what they look like. So, I've never understood why attractiveness is so important when people have lists of qualities they want in a spouse. I mean… I was a typical teenage girl. I had my lists of all the qualities I wanted in a future husband. And it got pretty extensive at one time. But no where on my extensive list did physical attractiveness come in. Seriously. It wasn't even 500 items down. It just wasn't there. Because I knew that if I loved someone… they would become attractive to me. In all of my dozens of "crushes" I had in my teenage years… not one of them was because I thought they were hot. The hotness came afterwards.

Anyway. All of this in a nutshell… Yes, I was overweight. But it never bothered me. Why should it? I never had health problems. I was still able to do the things I wanted to do. Dating was the only thing that I was aware it might be effecting. But in my mind… that was because the guys were all stupid and shallow. So, really… what was missing out on? A dumb*** guy that only had one thing on his mind? Yeah, no. I wasn't bothered.

I don't know what it was like to have a closet full of too-tight clothes. Elastic waistbands were very forgiving… which is what I wore my entire life. They always wore out in other places before they would get to the point I couldn't wear them anymore because of size.

I have no clue what weight I want to be. I have a goal in my mind… sure. But I was probably 14 the last time I was at that weight (I'm guessing… I have no idea really!). So to pick a time when I looked and felt my best? Uhh? I don't know. I've always felt fine. But I've always been fat… so that doesn't work.

What do I hate about being overweight? Uhh? That it's harder to find clothes? I don't know… I've always been there. My thighs have always rubbed together. I had no idea "thigh gap" was even a thing. I've always had to bring my foot up to my knee to be able to tie my shoes. It never occurred to me that other people could just bend down and tie them. And so many more that I've always just accepted as life. That it's "just the way it is." I had no idea it was a "fat person problem."

And to pinpoint a time when I started gaining weight? Uh… yeah. Birth. Injuries or accidents that all of sudden made me sedentary? No. My favorite activities for as long as I can remember have been reading and writing. When I'd go shopping with my mom and got bored of following her around… I didn't go to the toy aisle. I went to the school supplies aisle. The stores that left me speechless and so excited I couldn't sleep? Yeah, that would be Barnes and Noble and Office Max. Death of a loved one that I medicated by food? Nope. I've lost all four grandparents and both my parents in the course of my life. I was overweight before they died. I was overweight when they died. And I chose other ways to cope. Some possibly even more damaging. But still.

I know what it's like to be miserable. I know what it's like to hate yourself. I know what it's like to feel "unworthy." I know what it's like to have 50 tons worth of emotional baggage that you feel is holding you back. But I was overweight before that time. I was overweight during that time. And I continued to be overweight even after those issues were resolved. I have no clue what it's like to feel miserable, self-hatred, or unworthy because of weight. They never had thing one to do with each other.