Saturday, January 10, 2015

A Conversation With Myself

Ever since I started walking 8.5 months ago… the plan was to gradually increase my speed as my cardiovascular fitness improved. The idea was that eventually I would get to where I could jog just as easily as I was then walking.

Over time I became aware of Couch to 5k… a program to ease people into running and prepare them to run a 5k in 9 weeks. Since a 5k was on my "bucket list," this interested me. I started looking up information about this and I liked what I saw. I gradually worked up my walking speed so I was comfortable with a brisk walk. Once I got to that point, I knew it was time to start C25k. But I kept putting it off. Partly because I was nervous and partly because my sister had tried to convince me that running at my weight wasn't wise. And that fed into my nervousness even more. I kept wanting to do it… but I was scared. Finally one day, I decided I was sick of just wanting to and not doing anything about it. So, I tried my own walk/jog intervals. I revisited the C25k running plan and found out exactly what the first week consisted of. Yeah… I was gonna have to work into that. 

So, I continued with my own walk/jog intervals… working up to where I felt like I was ready to tackle C25k. 

Today I am scheduled to start week 3. And I'm scared again! The 90 seconds of jogging in week 2 just about kicked my trash. Now they want me to jog for 3 minutes?! I've gotta do it. But I'm scared. I don't know if I'll be able to make it. 

I don't know why that scares me. So what if I can't make it? What do I think is going to happen? I guess my fear is if I can't do it… then what do I do? Giving up is not an option… But I don't know where to go from here if it doesn't work out. I guess I create my own intervals again? Maybe go for 2 minutes? Then 2.5? 

Okay… this isn't working. I'm getting myself all worked up while I type this. 
Okay… breathe Shanon. 
Step back and think here for a minute.

What is the goal? The intent. Go back… way back. Back to the beginning, before 5k's even entered your consciousness. The goal is to improve your cardiovascular fitness. That was almost as important to you as losing weight. 
So, what does that mean to you? 
That means getting to the point where I can do physical activities without getting winded. 
What kind of physical activities?
Well… anything I wanted to do. I wanted to be able to walk at a good fast pace and not only be able to talk… but be able to sing (like I could in Cincinnati). I want to be able to go up and down stairs without feeling like I'm going to die. I want to be able to go on walks/hikes with my family and be able to keep up with them. I want to be able to go sightseeing and walk around malls and expo and feel good doing it… without my hips and back killing me 5 minutes into it. 
Okay. How are those things going for you so far? 
Well… better. I still don't feel like I can sing when I'm walking briskly… But I can breathe and talk. I can do normal steps without feeling like I'm going to die. If I'm running them or doing them for workouts… they get to me after a couple of flights, but I can pretty much do what I was hoping for in the beginning. I haven't been hiking with the family… but I can easily keep up with them walking. In fact, I can usually out-walk them. I haven't spent a heck of a lot of time sightseeing or visiting malls or expos lately… but I can spend time on my feet without my hips and back hurting. In fact… walking is usually when my back does the best. 
Good. It sounds like you're getting awfully close to achieving what you hoped for in the beginning.
Well… yeah. 
So. Why are you freaking out?
Because now I've added running a 5k to the list of things I want to be able to do and what if I can't do it?
Is that something you have to do today?
Well… no.
Back 8.5 months ago… could you do any of those things you just said you wanted to be able to do?
No.
So what did you do then?
Well, I worked on it. Started where I could and just worked on it.
So… now you want to run a 5k… but you can't do that right now.
Yes.
So…? Why don't you do the same thing you've been doing for the past 8 months? That seems to have worked pretty well for you.
Meaning?
Meaning, you start where you can and work on it.
That's what I'm doing.
So what's the question then?
What if I can't do the next step?
What's the next step?
Week 3 of the program. Jogging 3 minutes. 
I'm not seeing the problem here. Why can't you do the same thing you've been doing? Start where you are and work on it?
I guess.
And besides… have you tried it?
Tried what?
Jogging for 3 minutes.
Well… no. Not really. I haven't specifically tried to do it for that long. 
So how do you know you can't?
Well…
Well what? You're assuming?
Kind of.
Assuming that because 90 seconds was hard for you that you won't be able to do 3 minutes?
Yeah.
Wasn't 1 minute hard for you the first week?
Yeah.
But you still moved on to week 2 okay?
So… try it. Maybe you'll be fine.
But what if I'm not?
Then start where you are and work on it!  Haven't you learned anything in the past 8.5 months? Haven't you learned that you are capable of doing hard things? Haven't you learned that what hurts now will someday be your warm up?
True. 
So, what you are so stinkin' afraid of?
What if I fail?
Come on… you know the answer to that. What would you tell anybody else?
(sigh) You only fail when you give up.
And you're not doing that, are you?
No. 
You're not?
No. Giving up is not an option. 
Therefore, you cannot fail. Isn't that true?
I guess.
You guess?
(sigh) No, it's true. 
You don't sound like you really believe yourself.
No. I believe it.
Then tell yourself that you cannot fail.
I cannot fail.
Believe it.
I do.
I'm not convinced you do.
I cannot fail.
Still not convinced.
I cannot fail!
Getting there.
I can't. I won't. 
Ahh. I like that. Say that second one again.
I won't fail.
Convince me.
I won't fail. I cannot and I will not. Failure is not an option.
But what if you can't do it?
Then I keep trying. And someday it will be my warm up.

Okay. I feel better now. I have to do that sometimes. It doesn't always work… but I think I'm okay now. Deep breath. Okay. Now go workout!

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